not success
The seeds of seeking God as my Portion continue in high school. I lay down my next only if at the Lord’s feet as I give up success, and something, or rather Someone, as my portion again.
During my high school years, I’m president of my church youth group. Our youth group is like a church within a church since the adults have their service in Korean, and the children need to have an entirely separate service in English. The concept is that we are supposed to have our own youth group pastor, but good ones are hard to come by, and the not so good ones stay less than a year. We are in such a transition period while I am a junior and senior in high school, and the responsibility of leading and directing our Sunday services, Saturday meetings, revival meetings, and retreats falls on my shoulders and the other officers of the youth group.
Why success in ministry cannot be your Portion?
These are tough times of a spiritual desert – not in my own relationship with God per se, but there are other feelings at play. I’m no use! Why aren’t my friends and younger “brothers and sisters” not as passionate about God? I feel discouraged. My friends are more interested in school and in being cool than in God. As I labor and spend myself in service for the youth group, I remember coming to a point where the burdens of serving and seemingly unfruitful results begin to crush my motivation and my spirit. I ask myself: What is my motivation for serving? What is my reward? What is my PORTION? As I look at the pain of loneliness in life, and the burden of responsibility that comes with being a leader, I read Psalm 73.
Truly God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart. But as for me… I relate to it and admire the honesty of David. I also think, “God is good to others, but not to me.” There were other Korean-American churches on Long Island that didn’t seem to have the chronic problems we had. Pastor KP at the church in my hometown. My cousin attends that church whenever she can. She’s getting nurtured and fed. My heart cries, “but as for me.”
For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the arrogant. They have no struggles… David looks around and compares himself to others. Compare and despair. I look around and see my friends who are not as passionate about God as I am. I see friends who are not Christian and don’t feel the internal conflict and loneliness I feel. I think, “they have no worries.” I am a miserable Christian.
It troubled me deeply…
…till I entered the sanctuary of God
In vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence. All day long I have been plagued; I have been punished every morning. David’s lament captures how I feel as I try to obey God and faithfully serve my church youth group. In vain, I have toiled and labored. I’ve spent late nights making Sunday worship leaflets. Do you remember clip art? I did that for retreat schedules dozens of times! Why do I have to switch out the transparencies that display the words to the praise songs? When do I just get to enjoy the worship? How many times do I put myself in the awkward position of asking my friends to give me money? Their dues! I’m a tax collector before I’m 15 years old.
When I tried to understand all this, it troubled me deeply till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny. As I continue to read the chapter, David expresses his deep confusion and queasy troubles. Then all these feelings change once David enters into the presence of God; then he understands.
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. God has never left my side. As I struggle in fruitless work, God kept me close to him. Sustaining grace. As I reflect on my past, the verse from Isaiah, The Lord will guide you always, reverberates across time. I want to be taken into your glory Lord. Help me to lay down my frustrations down at your feet, I pray.
God is your portion when your reward for service is God Himself.
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. As my heart stirs with this mysterious concept that God is my Portion, I need to change my focus for life. My reward for serving the youth group – God Himself, not the successful ministry, not the joy of seeing people come to know God more, not the pat on the back or the sense of accomplishment for a job well done. God Himself – he is my portion. As my focus for serving changes, the joy and energy for serving return. I don’t know how much of an impact I have on my fellow youth group members, but my experiences during this season change me. I develop leadership skills. I develop sustained passion. As the year rolls on and as I continue to live out this revelation, I finally feel a need to share it with my fellow officers and the young adults who are helping out the youth group. I say, “we’ve are looking so much for a youth pastor as the answer to our situation. We are putting all of our hopes in finding some great man of God to lead us and to teach us. I think we’ve been slightly off. I believe that God does want us to have a youth group pastor in his timing, but I think God’s purpose for us in this season is that we would seek God Himself as the answer.”
And surely enough as we pray that prayer releasing to God our hopes of a youth pastor and put our faith in God Himself, we find a youth pastor a week later who goes on to stay with us for three years and greatly impacts those under his care.
Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”
Lamentations 3:22-24
Observation - How did the author place success and not God as his portion?
Understanding - Do you relate to the author’s experience? In what way?
Application - What’s one thing I can do to lay down success as my portion?
